Dear Chicken-Face,

Congratulations, out of nearly 6 billion human beings, you are among a select group of 53 chosen to receive a ticket to Super Prom 99. Super Prom 99 will be held on July 10, starting at 4:00 PM. As per usual, Super Prom will be held in my backyard, a.k.a., the middle of nowhere.

In order to choose a theme, this year a theme choosing Gala was held, in which many of you participated. The results of the Gala were as follows: All of you suck. You guys can’t agree on anything, which is indicated by the fact that the song that received the most votes also received the most votes against it. Also, no one voted for 99 Luftballoons, which clearly should have been theme. Due to your incompetence in theme choosing, the Super Prom Committee has taken matters into its own hands. You may consider that a Dirty Deed, Done Dirt Cheap. If you do, you’re in luck, because that’s the Super Prom 99 theme song. If you have a problem with that, I’d tell you what you can do to yourself, but my mother is going to read this letter.

The tickets this year have been designed as Trivial Pursuit cards, which I’m sure you have deduced by now. Each card has four categories. The first is a Super Prom question, which will educate you about Super Prom history. The second category is people, full of fun facts about fellow Super Promers (mostly Jim Miceli, because who else has had a life like his.) The third category is entertainment, which has interesting facts about movies, songs, and other elements of pop culture. The fourth category has been specially tailored to meet your individual interests.

One of the biggest issues about Super Prom is whether to bring a date, and who to bring. Let me say this: Every year I have brought a cool and attractive date to Super Prom, a tradition I am continuing this year. As you are all aware, I am a big fat loser. Therefore, if you don’t have a date, you are a bigger, and perhaps fatter loser than I am. You can take anyone, but I recommend someone that you are interested in, though that’s never gotten me anywhere. Another tradition that will probably continue this year.

This year, there are many exciting things in store for the guests of Super Prom. For the first time ever, we will be giving out Supromlatives, which are awards given out to Super Prom’s best. Categories include fattest, Chicken Limbo winner, best mutant geese call, most original date, and best kiss. As always, Super Prom King and Queen will be selected, this year by a fair (I promise), anonymous ballot. And of course, Super Prom will have all the traditional activities, swimming, trampolining, Stomp Rocket, Slip N Slide, and eating cheeseburgers. And as always, Homo-Dog sex.

If you are coming, and you better, we need to know so we can purchase the correct amount of beef, cheese, and other commodities. Also, we need to know who you are going with, in order to set-up the King and Queen competition. So please RSVP by July 4, by phone to (xxx) xxx-xxxx, or by e-mail to maberry2@vt.edu. The sooner you can respond the better.

Let me finish by saying this: This is going to be the best Super Prom ever. If you’ve never been to Super Prom before, now is the time to start. Super Prom is the best day of the year. Those of you who have been there before know what I mean.

See you at Super Prom,